Someday I will sleep again, right?

I think I must just accept that I will probably never have a good night's sleep again. I used to be able to count the number of nights I had a bad sleep, and now I can count on one hand the number of nights I've had a good sleep in probably the last 2 months. I wish I could turn my brain off at night - I just worry, worry and worry some more. It's probably also a mix of being 8 months pregnant, but I lie in bed and worry about my little E and her future. And I worry about my new little one about to enter the world. I guess it's a natural part of becoming a parent - you know you are going to worry the rest of your life, but now it just feels so amplified. Amplified because of what I think and fear about little E's future. All the parents of little people I have met tell me that the fears are unfounded and that my child will amaze me and make me realize many years later I wasted all this time worrying. And goodness I hope that is true of course, but it just does not make it possible for me to wipe out all the worry. And I know it will be true - her personality is just so incredible, and each day she is becoming a smarter, more confident, funny and outgoing person. I, and all those around her, continue to be amazed each day by her achievements.

I must tell my little E on a daily basis (even though she has no idea what I'm talking about) that she is giving mommy more and more gray hairs every day. But you know what? I'll take the gray hairs just to be given the chance that I have to be her mommy. I love her more than words can describe so I'm so thankful she has been given to me. I'm thankful to be given the chance to be her mommy and do everything I can to give her a great, happy and fulfilling life. I'll keep my tossing and turning, worry-filled nights to myself and keep my smiles for her during the day. Yes, I have hugged her tight, letting the tears stream down my face so she can't see them many times in the past 2 months or so, but I think that's OK. I am trying my hardest to be strong for her - and I am for the most part, but there are minutes or hours that are still very hard. And often they are the moments at 2am or 4am when I stare at the ceiling with my eyes wide open. Wondering if I'll ever sleep again.

I am very anxious for our appointment with Dr. Pauli in Madison this Thursday. A little anxious and nervous, but really looking forward to learning more from him and having such an expert examine my little one and be a part of her team. That is all we are trying to do, is establish the best team around her that we can to ensure she excels beyond our wildest dreams. And she will.